I had one hell of 2012. By far one of the worst yet most rewarding years. I learned a lot about myself and have become happier than I probably have been in years.
My goal for 2013 is to continue what i started and to let no one take it away. That includes Myself. I am my worst enemy sometimes. Today that seemed to be the case.
I let my anxiety get the best of me again and started having panic attack after panic attack since about noon. I swear its one of the worst feelings ever. heart beating so fast, having troubles breathing , tears just keep flowing, and my anger and lack of patience just keeps growing. I tried to calm down using the tools I learned but nothing worked.
Now that I am home I had to pop a couple Xanax. I really hate having to rely on pills everyday to be “normal” What do you do though?!
Sometimes I feel like I need to apologize for my actions but then I question it. I mean why should I apologize for the person I am?? This is me!! I don’t know what else tell ya. Work with me and not against me and things work out for the best.
Could I have handled things better today? Yes. I know that and I am trying . I really really am. How do you train your brain to do something so different from it ever has in such a short time? You cant. Its an every day process.
Do people really think that I purposely try to be mean ?! Not at all.
I actually question whether I am mean. I am more direct than anything. Lets not sugar coat things let’s get to the point. Yeah i can see how the bluntness can be misconstrued. People just don’t like to hear certain things. Myself included. Again though that’s who I am. do I need to apologize for that?
The only things I will ever apologize for is that I am an over achiever, a giver and people pleaser.
I don’t want to be average and just skate by in life. I believe in challenging yourself every day and to continue to grow. Even after accomplishing one goal there is always another one you should strive to achieve. If you ever feel that you have accomplished everything…. well then you just don’t have enough goals in life.
Those that know me know that I am also giver. I have this amazingly big heart that wants to help and save others . I hate that about myself. I wish I could go back to the way I was and have no emotions and not care. I think life would be so much easier.
So tonight I find myself upset and hurt at the same time. Upset because I was not able to control my reaction today and keep myself calm. I hate that feeling of “failure”. Hurt because all the good things I did I will probably be the one to get in trouble.
Do I care?? Of course. I am also a perfectionist. I strive to please other people. more fine qualities about myself I hate. I am working hard on this too because I know I will never be perfect nor do i want to be! Its so unrealistic. I know this. Without the mistakes and learning experience what would life be.
On the other hand though maybe I shouldnt care. sometimes I am just so conflicted.
My therapist tells me I need to lower my expectations of people. I have done that a lot already . So the question is how low can /should you have to lower them?! At some point people need to be accountable. Myself included.
I will be the first to tell you if I am out of line or if I messed up somewhere. I am fine with that because you know what that goes back to the perfectionism and I am probably beating myself up for the mistakes . I don’t need to make 74 excuses but I am also not going to be the one to take full responsibility because someones elses lack of communication or doing what they should be.
I think I need to revisit this boundary thing. I need to start taking more of a backseat to things and let them play out the way they do. I need to stop being a YES person and start being a NO person. If you have no sense of urgency , why should I ?? It sounds like a sucky attitude but why should some people go out of their way to help those that wouldn’t return the favor.
My therapist also tells me to be “Curious and not furious ” and “don’t judge” . I have found this to be very hard to do. In my mind its making excuses for people. I guess I just keep on trying.
Today I think the physical pain and the amount of stress just got the best of me.
I let people who have no importance in my life get to me . Why?!?!
I am so scared of ending up where I was in August. I don’t want my anxiety to get out of hand again and the last thing I want is to have another battle with depression.
Things in my life are soooo good. They really truly are. how do I keep it this way?! I know I am going to have bad days but how do I keep them minimal. How do I keep myself from feeling like I am always failing someone? No matter how many accomplishments I make , at the end of the day I wonder if its Myself that I continue to fail?
At this point my happiness and health is all that matters. I have this amazing little boy that relys on me and looks up to me. I dont want to let him see me feel this way.
Tomorrow is another day. Another day I try to be the best I can be in the most positive and productive way for me. Another day to use what I have learned from my previous experiences and handle things different. Another day to teach my brain something new.
Tomorrow is another day I continue to believe in God and let him take the lead in my life. He’s brought me thus far and I know he will never leave me. In some crazy twisted way all the obstacles he has made me face has made me stronger and made me the person I am today. I don’t always feel strong. In fact somedays I feel so helpless . So many days my faith is tested, but I choose to continue to believe. What do I have to lose?
Theres only two people who truly know everything about me and everything I have gone through in these short 32 years. Thats God and myself. Through everything I know I am a good person. I will never let anyone tell me differently.
I know there are so many people out there that feel the same way I do and go through the same things I do. I choose to share with you so that you know you are not alone. I am not ashamed of who I am anymore and neither should you be. People will always say negative things to or about you because they just dont understand or know the whole story. I know it hurts but dont let yourself fall into their trap and do the negative talk to yourself.
I would love to hear from some of you and hear your stories. Hear how you handle every day life when sometimes you feel like you are just spinning your wheels.
Stay strong and believe. Believe you!