Another day …another learning experience

I had one hell of 2012. By far one of the worst yet most rewarding years. I learned a lot about myself and have become happier than I probably have been in years.

My goal for 2013  is to continue what i started and to let no one take it away. That includes Myself. I am my worst enemy sometimes. Today that seemed to be the case.

I let my anxiety get the best of me again and started  having panic attack after panic attack since about noon. I swear its one of the worst feelings ever. heart beating so fast, having troubles breathing ,  tears just keep flowing, and my anger and lack of patience just keeps growing. I tried to calm down using the tools I learned but nothing worked.

Now that I am home I had to pop a couple Xanax. I really hate having to rely on pills everyday to be “normal” What do you do though?!

Sometimes I feel like I need to apologize for my actions but then  I question it. I mean why should I apologize for the person I am??  This  is me!! I don’t know what else tell ya. Work with me and not against me and things work out for the best.

Could I have handled things better today? Yes. I know that and I am trying . I really really am. How do you train your brain to do something so different from it ever has in such a short time?  You cant. Its an every day process.

Do people really think that I purposely try to be mean ?!  Not at all.

I actually question whether I am mean. I am more direct than anything. Lets not sugar coat things let’s get to the point. Yeah i can see how the bluntness can be misconstrued.  People just don’t like to hear certain things. Myself included. Again though that’s who I am. do I need to apologize for that?

The only things I will ever apologize for is that I am an over achiever, a giver and people pleaser.

I don’t want to be average and just skate by in life. I believe in challenging yourself every day and to continue to grow. Even after accomplishing one goal there is always another one you should strive to achieve. If you ever feel that you have accomplished everything…. well then you just don’t have enough goals in life.

Those that know me know that I am also giver. I have this amazingly big heart that wants to help and save others . I hate that about myself. I wish I could go back to the way I was and have no emotions and not care. I think life would be so much easier.

So tonight I find myself upset and hurt at the same time.  Upset because I was not able to control my reaction today and keep myself calm. I hate that feeling of “failure”. Hurt because all the good things I did I will probably be the one to get in trouble.

Do I care?? Of course. I am also a perfectionist. I  strive to please other people.  more fine qualities about myself I hate.  I am working hard on this too because I know I will never be perfect nor do i want to be! Its so unrealistic. I know this. Without the mistakes and learning experience what would life be.

On the other hand though maybe I shouldnt care. sometimes I am just so conflicted.

My therapist tells me I need to lower my expectations of people. I have done that a lot already . So the question is how low can /should you have to  lower them?! At some point people need to be accountable. Myself included.

I will be the first to tell you if I am out of line or if I messed up somewhere. I am fine with that because you know what that goes back to the perfectionism and I am probably beating myself up for the mistakes . I don’t need to make 74 excuses but I am also not going to be the one to take full responsibility because someones elses lack of communication or doing what they should be.

I think I need to revisit this boundary thing. I need to start taking more of a backseat to things and let them play out the way they do. I need to stop being a YES person and start being a NO person. If you have no sense of urgency , why should I ?? It sounds like a sucky attitude but why should some people go out of their way to help those that wouldn’t return the favor.

My therapist also tells me to be “Curious and not furious ” and “don’t judge” . I have found  this to be very hard to do. In my mind its making excuses for people. I guess I just keep on trying.

Today I think the physical pain and the amount of stress just got the best of me.

I let people who have no importance in my life get to me . Why?!?!

I am so scared of ending up where I was in August. I don’t want my anxiety to get out of hand again and the last thing I want is to have another battle with depression.

Things in my life are soooo good. They really truly are. how do I keep it this way?! I know I am going to have bad days but  how do I keep them minimal. How do I keep myself from feeling like I am always failing someone?  No matter how many accomplishments I make ,  at the end of the day I wonder if its Myself that I continue to fail?

At this point my happiness  and health  is all that matters. I have this amazing little boy that relys on me and looks up to me. I dont want to let him see me feel this way.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day I try to be the best I can be in the most positive and productive way for me. Another day to use what I have learned from my previous experiences and handle things different. Another day to teach my brain something new.

Tomorrow is another day I continue to believe in God and let him take the lead in my life. He’s brought me thus far and I know he will never leave me. In some crazy twisted way all the obstacles he has made me face has made me stronger and made me the person I am today. I don’t always feel strong. In fact somedays I feel so helpless . So many days my faith is tested, but I choose to continue to believe. What do I have to lose?

Theres only two people who truly know everything about me and everything I have gone through in these short 32 years. Thats God and myself. Through everything I know I am a good person.  I will never let anyone tell me differently.

I know there are so many people out there that feel the same way I do and go through the same things I do. I choose to share with you so that you know you are not alone. I am not ashamed of who I am anymore and neither should you be. People will always say negative things to or about you because they just dont understand or know the whole story. I know it hurts but dont let yourself fall into their trap and do the negative talk to yourself.

I would love to hear from some of you and hear your stories. Hear how you handle every day life when sometimes you feel like you are just spinning your wheels.

Stay strong and believe. Believe you!

 

Today I was tested… the question is did I fail??

The day started great. Heck I was practically having a dance party at my desk this morning.

It’s amazing how quickly things changed.

I have been back to work for about 7 weeks now and I have been pretty proud of myself for not letting things bother me and using the skills I have learned to control my anxiety. I mean in all reality I am a control freak and perfectionist so I have been very conscious of my actions.

Today  was different though. I let my anxiety get the best of me and had my first panick attack in months.  No matter what I tried the tears kept flowing , my heart beat faster and it was hard to breathe.

I forgot what that feeling was like.

I was so frustrated not just with the situation at hand but with myself. The first thing i said was ” You failed” . It’s so easy to do the negative self talk.

I hate failing! I have these ridiculously high standards for myself but I don’t know anything different. I am not one to sit and wait around or do things half ways. I dont want to be average. I like to exceed. I am constantly in competition with myself. It’s this vicious cycle that never ends and in the end I am the one disappointed and hurt.

Of all days, this was the perfect day for this to happen. Tuesdays are my group therapy day.

At first I really didn’t want to go, but I did. It was the best and right decision.

It’s like an alcoholic having to decide between a drink or an AA meeting.  Thats kind of how I felt. Do i go home and continue to battle my anxiety alone  for the day or do I go and be in a comfortable place with others who understand.

I used to drink a lot to deal with my anxiety. It was my way to escape and feel better for a little bit. Then something happened and I was ashamed and embarrassed by my actions. I really didn’t know how out of control things had got for me until that day. Since then I rarely drink. I may say I need a one a lot but I don’t follow through with the actual action. Today was one those day. Pretty sure I said more than once I need a glass of Vodka.

At the end of the day I am proud of myself for not having that drink  or going home alone and continuing my negative self talk.

Instead I thought about my day. I got in touch with my feelings and was able to identify why I felt the way I did and what I can do differently next time.

Its really easy to  tell yourself how you can do things differently but lets be honest sometimes its not easy to do things the “right” way

It’s a learning process. I am 32 and retraining my brain to do something totally different from what  it has ever known. Every day is a struggle but its a struggle I am willing to have.

Like I said in my last post , I know i will never be “fixed”. Yet I am working hard to have the happiness I deserve. The happiness I am not sure I have ever truly experienced.

I decided that today I didn’t fail. I am walking away feeling like this was a  very good learning experience.

I have put all my faith in God so I am going to trust him and let him guide me.

Some days will be easier and others will be very difficult and I will be tested again.

Tonight I go to bed holding my head high and tomorrow I will wake up that much stronger …

Moving Forward

I have been sitting and reflecting  alot lately. This year has been by far the most difficult year i have had but also one of the most rewarding.

For the last few years i have been stuck in this rut and with each day i fell further and further into depression. I never wanted to admit it but i now know its true.

Asking for help in August was the hardest but best thing i could have done for myself. I have alway believed in God but I  have finally chose to put my life in his hands and truly let him guide me.

By no means will i ever really be “fixed” but i have learned  and embraced the tools to help me through the bad days. I have battled may bouts of depression since I was 12 and anxiety has become apart of my life.I can finally say this and not be ashamed of who i am.

I have toren apart my life to figure out how i got to such a dark and lonely place.  I cant sit and complain about my life because i have truly had so many magical moments. Its the devesting ones that i never wanted to deal with and have haunted me for so long.

I have finally learned to forgive and let go.  I am  living for now and not the past.

For the last month as I have  started interacting with my friends again and have returned back to work i have heard the same thing over and over. ” you look great. You seem so happy. Your energy is so different”. Its really good to hear these things. I feel like the real Kristina is coming back more and more each day.

Those that have never had the chance to know the happy, go with the flow girl that I am,  I hope they will take the opportunity. I am not the “mean girl” some think i am.

I  never know what each day will bring.  i can only hope for the best and make the most of each and every day.

I no longer ask myself “how can someone so blessed be so broken “. Instead its  ” how can i fix the brokenness and enjoy all my blessings”.

 

Love is Love ..Vote NO

 If you know me, I am not big on marriage and  I hate going to weddings. As a little a girl I never dreamed about getting married. I never dreamed of wearing that beautiful white dress or having that magical day.  I dreamed about having a career. I know it may sound horrible.

Some would probably say its because my parents divorced when i was young. Maybe that has truth to it.  

However, over the years I have watched so many relationships end in divorce and see all the heart break  and misery that goes along with it.

To me, I saw marriage as nothing but a “piece of paper”. 

It seems in our society marriage is much like a business arrangement. I know so many people in loveless marriages that stay because they are comfortable or for other reasons. Why would anyone want that?!? Or they rush into these marriages quickly because they need to feel loved and be with  someone,  just to divorce weeks or months later. Neither situation sounds ideal to me.

Last weekend I went to a wedding at the Enchanted Barn in Rice Lake, Wisconsin. The name of place is fitting. It was so beautiful there. The day was perfect. Sunny sky with perfect clouds. Trees with leaves turning colors. Horses in the background. It was truly magical.

This was a  very special wedding. It was the union of two beautiful women. As i sat there and listened to them read their vows to one another you could tell just how much they truly love each other. You could feel the love as they looked at each other.  To know their story and how they ended up with  one another is like a fairy tale if you think about. They have a solid relationship built on many years of friendship. Many laughs and smiles and few tears as well. 

That day changed the way I look at marriage.  It showed me that true love STILL does exisit. One day maybe I will find it. Doesnt mean i will start dreaming about it .. lol.. but something to think about.

The next day on my way home I saw some of those “VOTE YES ” billboards in Minnesota. It broke my heart. It made me wonder even more why someone would want to take this right away from my friends?!?! Why would they want to take someones dream and such a special day away from them?!?!

We are all entitled to our opinion and I am not here to convince anyone differently. However just think if someone was to take one of your rights away.  It wouldnt feel so good. I truly believe that some point in our lives we each will know and be close to  someone that is in a same sex marriage. Whether it be a family member or a friend.  Why not give them the same respect that we want for ourselves.  Treat everyone equally.

Its 2012. If we could all just work together and accept each other for who we are, just think how better of a world we would live in. The productivity in USA would be so great.

It sad to know how far we are from equality. Whether it be about race, gender, or  same sex marriage. One can only hope that one day we will make great changes and all come together as one.

Minnesota lets start now and take this first step by getting it right this election. Its the small steps that will make the big differences in the overall picture.

Happy Birthday To Me

For the first time in 14 years I can actually say that with a smile and mean it.

On my 18th birthday tragedy hit my family and that day changed my life forever. I remember it as if it was yesterday. Up until  a few  months ago it was by far the darkest day of my life. From that day I have battled anxiety and multiple bouts of depression. I lived with so much anger and hurt. I tell you this not so that you feel sorry  for me , because I don’t, but so that you can understand.

Mental Illness. Those are two very scary words. They are also two ignored words. We live in a very uneducated society where it’s just easier to turn a blind eye to things. For people like me that deal with this illness on an every day basis, it makes it that much harder. For a very long time i was so ashamed and I just put on that smile and pretended everything was okay. After awhile it’s not that easy and those that truly know you can see the hurt you are going through, yet they don’t know how to  help you. Sometimes life in general just gets too hard to deal with.

I got really good at just putting a “band-aid” on things.  I mean, honestly I live a very blessed and privileged life.  Sometimes  don’t know how I got so lucky.  For me it seemed selfish to complain about the way I was feeling. I mean there are so many people who have it  so much  worse than I do. I always had the mentality , that is what I pay a therapist for. I never wanted to burden anyone with all my problems.   I was/am my own worst enemy and I know that now.

Towards the beginning of the year I began dealing with a reoccurring back issue that had intensified this time. I was in so much physical pain everyday. I had these intense  migraines and I didn’t sleep anymore. My whole world was turning upside down. Day by day I could tell I was falling deeper and deeper into depression and i didn’t want to believe it. I had become this very negative person towards everyone at work and in my personal life and started pushing people away. On the inside I felt like i was dying. I cried every day, most of the time not even knowing why . I tried so hard to pull myself out of it and to put that smile on and to be happy but every time i tried its like i failed even more. Which I hate failing. This is another one of my problems. I have this need to be a perfectionist and please everyone. I’m always so worried about making everyone else around me happy that i forget about myself.

One day early July I hit my breaking point. I was so lost and confused. I was so sad and broken. I felt like i was failing at work, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister and most of all as a mother.

I was so unhappy in life at that moment that I started making very irrational decisions. Example,  I was going to quit my job. okay so maybe it’s not perfect. It may not be my passion and what i want to do the rest of my life, however I do enjoy what I do. I am a numbers nerd and i love to problem solve.   when I made that decision I felt so great. Like a weight was being lifted off my shoulder. In a week that wasnt the feeling anymore. I think i was more shocked at what I did and very upset at myself. Again I felt like I failed. Luckily I have worked for some great bosses who have really stood by me and supported me over the years with some of my issues. I don’t think words will ever be enough to say how truly thankful I am to them.

Instead of quitting I decided i would go on  medical leave so that I could deal with my physical, mental and emotional issues. I continued to work until the middle of August which every day was so difficult. I didn’t want to get out bed . I didn’t want anyone to see me. I was a mess. By this time I can truly say I had hit my darkest days.

Taking a leave of absence was actually a very difficult decision for me. I felt as if i was letting people down. I felt like a failure. I remember my last morning at work. When it was time to go to my doctor appointment I didn’t say goodbye to anyone. I just got up and walked out. I made it to the parking garage and started crying out of control.  I just  sat in my car. Honestly at that moment I didn’t know what to expect next. I didn’t  know what was going to happen with me. I was very very scared.

I went to meet my doctor and we came up with a game plan.

Within a weeks  time of going on leave I started working with another physical therapist doing traction on my neck ( my c4 and c6 disc had been out of place since the end of march. It was now mid august) I was also still going to the pain clinic working on strengthening my back. I was really hoping this would be the answer i was looking for to help the physical pain and the migraines . I really just wanted to sleep . It had been 5 months since i had a good night sleep.

The thing i did next was something that I belive truly saved me and has helped me get to where i am right this moment.

I checked myself into an outpatient day treatment program. This was the first time i ever asked for help and it was a very difficult thing for me to do. I remember sitting there doing the intake and answering all the questions. I cried and cried. In my heart I knew I was doing the right thing.

One of the last question they ask you is if you are feeling suicidal. My answer was no. No matter how bad things had ever been i had never  felt that way since my 18th birthday. I will never forget driving on that bridge and wanting to drive off that day. For 14 years it has haunted me.  However, a few weeks before my intake,  a great basketball blogger that i admired had taken his own life. I had only met him a few times but i felt like i knew him so much more from his writing. I couldn’t believe the news when i heard it and it made me question myself. I was in a very dark place and as much as i didn’t think i would ever harm myself , I just wasnt sure anymore. I did tell her all this and she told me it was good that i could recognize this.

Seven weeks ago I started some heavy treatment with my individual therapist and with group therapy. I have learned so much about me and I am in such a better place. Instead of putting a band-aid on everything. I have started to tear my whole life apart  and really start dealing with the issues that have caused me so much hurt  and kept me from being truly happy. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason. I don’t always understand and I don’t know why so many bad things can happen to one person, but I trust God. I trust him with my life. I know he has plan for me and  is only making me a stronger person.

Today I saw my therapist before group  and it was a very good session. She told me how much i have accomplished in such a short time and that she believes I am ready to let go of what happened 14 years ago and forgive and move on with my life. I think she right. It makes sad to think its taken me this long but there was some reason. This back issue ,as miserable as its been, has been a blessing.  I have taken the puzzle all apart and now its just a matter of putting the piece back together with a true understanding and meaning. I have a lot of work ahead me. I am by no means “cured” and probably never will be. I accept it though. I accept me for me. Anxiety and all. It is my life and i can say for the first time i am proud of myself.

Thank you so much to those that have been by my side every step of the way over the years. I know it hasn’t been easy but i appreciate it. I promise the Kristina that you once knew is coming back more and more everyday. I miss her too!

If any of you are going though or have gone though any sort of mental illness just know that you aren’t alone. I strongly encourage seeking help. Sometimes our friends and family can’t or don’t know to help but there are others that can.  Individual therapy has worked wonders over the years for me. I just found group therapy when i started the day treatment program and its been refreshing to hear others talk about their struggles and get feedback from them.  Stay strong and know that your life is worth it. I know how hard some days are but it will get better. Believe Believe Believe.

feel free to drop a line if you ever want to chat. If i can help just one person that means the world to me.

My birthday is actually Saturday. Best gift this year is knowing that my happiness is in sight and that i have taken the steps to get there.

NBA : Where Amazing Happens

NBA… Where Amazing Happens

Who ever came up with this slogan is genius. Those three words can mean so much.  Every time I hear this I think of not only the players but also the fans. I think of me.   The NBA isn’t for everyone. Players and fans alike. Yet for some of us it’s our livelihood. It’s the one thing that we can rely on to help us tune out the rest of the world and just be at peace for awhile. Nothing else matters but that moment in time.

My passion for basketball started when I was young. I grew up in a neighborhood of boys. So my choices were to play football (which I did a few times) or play basketball with them (the girl in me preferred this it wasn’t so harsh on the body). From there my love of the game grew from season to season.

The highs and lows of each game get your adrenaline flowing. It doesn’t matter if you are watching your team or maybe that certain one you despise. You become one with the game as if you are the one playing.

Each season a new crop of kids enter the league. Some you barely know and then those who are suppose to be the next superstar. You watch and take note year after year just to see who finally has that break out season and those who never fully use their talent. You watch the hard work and determination. You see it in their eyes. You see it as they run up and down the court and with every shot.  Sadly, sometimes you watch them throw it all away and become another casualty. Not always because of the game they love but because of the fame that comes along with it.

I’m just a small town country girl.  If you would have told me that one day I would be attending the Timberwolves Media Day (yes it was on my bucket list) I would have told you that you’re crazy.

Today though that’s exactly where I found myself.

I truly didn’t know what to expect or how I would feel being there. I wondered if there would be a little part of me that was upset or disappointed as I looked around and didn’t see the faces of some of the guys I had got to know so well.  Yes it did sting for a moment as I walked in and stood there.  Then visions of them at their own media days with their new teams made me smile. Each of them have great opportunities that lie in front of them and they still get to play the game they love.  I will continue cheering for them both on and off the court. I know they will be truly missed here by not only myself but by many.

The Timberwolves have so many new faces this year. Honestly I don’t know a lot about some of them. Even the veterans left on this team, I had never had a one on one with any of them.  So the opportunity to meet them all was phenomenal. Not only did we chat hoops but also talked about personal things.  It was great getting a look into who they are and their personalities. It was like friends just chatting and having a great time. The players joked and clowned around with each other. Laughs were had by all.

The energy and chemistry of all the players seemed like nothing I had seen on this team before. We don’t know what happens behind closed doors but you sure could always feel the tension on the court in previous years.  It was nice to hear them speak highly of each other and the upcoming season and actually sound sincere. With training camp starting I can see this brotherhood only getting stronger each day.

Adelman came here to do a job and he sure seems to be getting it done. It’s a new era for the Minnesota Timberwolves. From where I am standing it sure looks like a bright one. I am excited to watch each of these guys play and grow, not just as athletes but also as young men.  I can proudly say I have been and always will be a Minnesota Timberwolves fan no matter what. I am excited for this ride we as fans are about to take.

This year my world was turned upside down because of a back injury and I lost my livelihood. For me, today wasn’t just about basketball; it was about finding a part of me I had lost. Standing there on that court reminded me that I am almost “home”.

Hello world!

I always had a passion for writing and somewhere a long the way it got lost.  Lets be honest thats not the only thing that has got lost over the years. So have I.  The past year has been crazy. I have found myself in probably the darkest place I have ever been.  Seven weeks ago I made one of the biggest decisions ever in my life and its probably been the best decsion I have ever made. I finally did something for myself, which totally isnt me at all.  I have learned alot in such a short period of time and my world has began to change. I named my blog ” Even the blessed can be be broken ” because the one question i found myself  asking so many times is how can someone so blessed be so broken. I dont have the answer yet but I am still learning. Thats the great thing about life. Every day is a learning experience. Thats really all I want to do is share my experiences with you. The good , the  bad and some of the crazy unbelievable moments. I have lived a very blessed life and have had so many amazing opportunities and experiences. I honestly dont know how i got so lucky, but i am so thankful for every one of those moments.  At the same time I have gone through and am going though some very difficult and personal moments that I really wouldnt wish on anyone. In fact at certain points in my life I was actually ashamed. now I have began to accepted it as part of my life and it has been a learning experience for me. I also want to share these things because some of them are things that society is so scared to talk about. Which means others who have the same issues feel alone and if i can reach out and help just one person that right there means the world to me.  I am 100% real and I have learn to become an open book. Please feel free to ask me anything. I dont mind and i will always be honest. If there is something i dont feel comfortable talking about i will tell you. I wanna have  fun with this blog but also bring awareness to real issues. I appreciate any feedback.